Revenge has failed me many times. I’ve learnt the hardest way from my own mistakes and foolishness. Had I known that it served nothing but constant pain, I would have tried to avoid it since the very first beginning. Now, I have learnt that forgiveness never fails, at least for me. But I had gone such lengths in my journey to discover that. I might not as lucky as others when it comes to forgiveness. I sort of “envy” those who can forgive so easily, effortlessly without no hard feeling at all. My process has always been uneasy but it has taken me into such lengths I never thought I will get through.
I used to be someone who was easy to keep grudge and extremely emotional. My determination to get back at those who hurt me so bad was so dark; I thought it would be the fairest answer. Yet, along the way, I realized it wasn’t the answer; the fair-least. The true strength is actually coming from forgiving those who hurt me the worst and I don’t learn it through a bumper sticker; I’ve learnt it the hardest way of my life but it’s all worth it.
Everything is fair eventhough it might not seem like it is at first. I’ve learned that I don’t have to make revenge for those who wronged me. There’s always Higher Power that makes everything fair. I have discovered that having revenge only eats my soul from within and I never want to feel that way again. In the past, I was dragged and drowned in this kind of feeling: numbness.
Yes, I am still human so I think it is still okay to be emotional sometimes. I realize that predicament will always come and go, never dissapears. I shall be ready at anytime to be tested in order to find wisdom. Sometimes, when I get so angry, very angry until I feel like I wanted to tear a curtain, the temptation to “get-back-at” is always kicking inside, as if it was an itchy feeling that needed to be scratched immediately. In my life journey, this feeling is the potential seed for revenge to grow larger and deeper. Yet, whenever I feel it within the greatest length of my anger, there’s a soft part in my heart telling that if I follow it, I will hurt everyone I love so dearly, and I don’t want that.
Somehow, in my 30s, the temptation for revenge seems to have faded away eventhough my memories doesn’t always surrender so easily to forget. Maybe my heart is getting more selective to notice what kind of feeling that’s worth to harbor. Losing someone very dear might add to that recipe of strength. It may be hard for me to forget those hurtful glimpses of horrible memory but I will dare say that I am willing to challenge myself every second to try my best to forgive. My heart always says “worry not, as everything that’s good and beautiful will be approaching at its own best time only when you don’t lose your sight; patience is always the key to ultimate happiness”.
I know in my life dictionary, the journey to be able to forgive will not always come easily and smoothly but I am willing to try harder since I always long for how it makes me feel afterward: a true peace and serenity within myself. That’s what I am eventually aiming at when I leave this world; a true peace and serenity. So yes, I am willing to risk anything to finally forgive, even when I have to get through the roughest path. Because in the end, these true peace and serenity are the only things that’ll able to pay all the “dark debts” I still have within my soul, in hoping that it will continuously cleanse my soul until the end of my journey on earth.
I am never proud of what I had done ugly in the past and I have honestly learnt to enjoy humiliating myself in a good way for that; A therapeutic method I’ve invented for myself to avoid making the same mistakes again, hopefully.
Jakarta, December 12, 2013
*Playlist while writing:
Lesson Learned by Carrie Underwood
Better in Time by Leona Lewis
Yesterday by Leona Lewis
The Climb by Miley Cyrus
Someone’s Watching Over me by Hillary Duff