Archive for October, 2013

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This is the poem I wrote to my beloved father, 3 years after he passed away. My very long journey from anger to revenge to denial until forgiveness had never been easy. However, I am grateful to be given the life I have been living now. Without getting through every hardship in my life, I would have never discovered the hidden gem of my life journey and meaning. My father will always be my father; every strength and good deed of him has created me; every weakness and wrongdoing of him has shaped my independence so….yes, I had learnt to forgive, the hardest way but I made it.

Also, I wrote this before I got married. A promise to introduce a man who’s now my husband had been fulfilled. Before we got married, I took him to come and visit my father and asked for his blessing at his grave. It was such a beautiful moment, watching my husband was “speaking” to my father through prayers. I cried, silently. Allah SWT has arranged everything accordingly beautiful, in His own time.

Rest in peace, father…I will see you again later when my time is up in this world 🙂

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To my father,

Father, first time you left me, I felt it was so unfair…

Second time you left me, I felt myself buried under the ground

I lost hope, vision, heart, everything that enabled me to sense the world

 

Day by day struggling to understand

Day by day struggling to fix

Day by day struggling to step on

Day by day struggling to cry

Day by day struggling to feel

Day by day struggling to reach my common sense

Day by day struggling to hope

Day by day struggling not to get lost

on my own…my very own…

 

Until one day, when I visited you; looking at your new place, I was struck

How much you wanted to hold me so tight last time we met

How much you wanted to apologize

How much you wanted me to forgive

How much you wanted me to fly without broken wings

How much you wanted to turn back the time; never letting me go

How much you wanted to atone

How much you wanted to hold my cold hands and heart

How much you wanted me to see how much you love me

 

I do apologize, father. I missed that…oh how much I missed that

You were trying to stand up strong while you were so weak even to walk

You were trying to smile while you were so painful inside

You were trying to say things while you were literally wordless

You were trying to walk in the middle of the night just to see me while you needed some rest

You were trying to hold an umbrella in the middle of blistering and rainy night while your hands were so trembling

You were trying to have dinner with me while you probably knew you wouldn’t be able to do so in the next morning

 

Father, I am so sorry, how could I be so blind?

How could I be so selfish?

How could I be so ridiculously ignorant?

Even though you left me twice you are still mine, my father, for the rest of my life; How could I not feel and see?

I remember staring at you when you left me second time for good

I couldn’t cry, tearlessly staring at you, just stoned

you were so cold, I called your name silently, hoping you could still answer that

 

Father, now I know what it means, everything, even though the most part of it still kept in puzzle

I know that you are okay now; no more tears, no more pain

Forgive me, father for being so ignorant; so ignorant to you and to myself

Last time, when I asked you…”what do you want from me this time?”…you just answered…”I just want you to be happy”…

I laughed, I said “father, I am happy, can’t you see?” You said “No, I can’t…I know what I see”…

I was raged inside trying to deny the fact that a father will always be a father who will always know, timelessly, even though you weren’t there for me all along my life cycle, you would still know; so painful to deny that

 

Now I see, father, I promise that I will always try to be happy

I promise, as I promise to live fully

Someday, I will ask someone to come along with me, visiting you

Someday, I promise that you will see me sharing my life with someone I love for the rest of my life

Someday, father, someday; you will walk me through the way from up above, to the new chapter of my life

 

Father, my life is full of challenges

Sometimes I am tempted to give up

I am tempted to curse

I am tempted to blame

I am tempted to gripe

But, when I look at the memory of you; shame on me if I do that

 

Therefore father, I will do my best to not giving up, cursing, blaming, or griping

I realize that to love you is to love myself and the world around me, wholeheartedly

I thank you, for being a father always, through my rejection and denials to you

Good night, father

your existence is now as warm as sunshine…

I am embracing you, as I embrace hope

take care, father

Wini – Athens, Spring 2009