Sometimes I’m wondering why was it so difficult to choose and decide to be happy way back then, all I could feel was solely conditional happiness. Conditional happiness is happiness that appears with so many strings attached to it such as “I’ll be happy when…I’ll be happy if…I’ll be happy unless…” It was hard to be happy back in the days of my life because I had to wait for all of these strings to determine my happiness that all I got was I’ll be instead of I am. It was funny that I used to fear of being happy at maximum level, knowing that I’ll be sent maximum level of sadness as the price I had to pay later.
So much lighter now knowing that happiness is actually as simple as dandelion pollen flown in the air. I’m now learning that true happiness comes with no strings – without when-if-unless. True happiness is feeling that I am instead of I will. The sadness or bad luck parts are actually not the deterrents of me being happy. All bad stuff that happen to me are all actually the panels to the solar cell of my happiness – when the panels are cold, it reminds me to recharge, resoak, and reenergize. Yes, just like that. I’ll never let my panels put me away from my sun. I’ll learn to use it in a way that they reconcile me with my nature of mind and soul.
Of couse all of the worldly material stuff are needed but they are just routines. They are not the underlined keys. All I have to do is simply not putting underlines to those routines to either determine my happiness or liberate my soul.
Enjoying the NOW is what I’m learning and feeling the unconditional happiness is what I’m heading towards to. This is my bucket list and I’m going to make the most of it to leave this world as unconditionally happy as I live it because IN THE END, what will LIBERATE me as a soul are not my degree, my money, my success, my prestige, my status, or anything…IN THE END, good memories and feelings in my life are the underlined keys to liberate my soul.
Every now and then, I’m just trying to be human. However, it interests me more to try being unconditionally happy human being. Not easy that is…but hey, I’m having my bucket list.
Mommy, thank you for your endless prayers. I am happy now…as happy as you’ve always wished me the best for.
Washington DC, Spring 2010